Your Love is Strong. #30

There's this chamber in my heart that always remains vacant. No matter who or what else may enter there appears to be inaccessibility to this one corner. It makes me understand why when people lose loved ones they leave their room the same, bed still prepped and ready, clothes folded in drawers and hung in closets. It's as if the room remains untouched it will once again be occupied.

This chamber is a room for you. I pray that on Christmas it fills with child-like life and people wish to make sugar cookies quite as badly as you did and that they stress the great importance of dedicated nights to decorate evergreens or watch classic movies together. It's for endless enjoyment of turquoise waters and iced tea...

The toughest thing as an adult is not knowing what our relationship would've been like. I was a teen when you went away, still in my own world incomprehensible to the values of family. Would you share the same taste in movies? What would it be like now to enjoy the books you enjoyed? In what way would you guide me now? I'll never know...

This void, this chamber echoes somedays; Like this morning. This morning is peaceful and good. As I anticipate what is to come, I savour my coffee and enjoy a new artist. I feel calm and content, and then I hear an echo that reminds me that you will never know how much I've grown to love coffee like dad. And with that I instantly wish you were alive and present.

I don't fully know why, but I miss you more than usual today.

Much love, Nicky.

** If there is someone you love so strongly, perhaps today is a great day to do something out of the ordinary to express that. Life's little romances truly are remarkable.

A Day Without.

Some days life's plan feels hindered by daily requirements, creating a barrier against the needs of the heart. This rang true for today. The morning seemed inexplicably desolate, much like an unpopulated town I passed through and stopped in for gas. This could have been a result of an inconsistent sleep; Despite getting to bed before midnight it was plagued by a restless mind.

The mind didn't shut up. He rambled on about family, about togetherness and the heart of God. Questioned the definition of community and the thoughtfulness of donation. He dissected love and friendship and career and motivation... He weighed heavily on everything so much, that my eyes began to hurt from concentration. The entire morning I was playing into the mind's demanding needs and as such my heart grew heavy. These thoughts were profound and poetic, like a Ben Gibbard lyric, and frustration pressed on my temples as I felt the four walls of responsibility restricting any creative outlet or indulgence in the mind's musings.

Then, reflecting on the restless sleep, I realized that today was void of something else: my morning coffee. As the cup was slowly emptied, the thoughts became sparse and less overwhelming, the eyes began to relax and today seemed less vital to the existence of man than the previous hour. Turns out my body just needs caffeine or sleep to make living bearable...